It's such a massive emotion.
It is often a burning, seething rage making us want to lash out but it is only the cover for so much that lies beneath ...
Fear & sorrow are mine.
Don't get me wrong a diagnosis isn't the end of the world & it isn't such that life is so terribly depressing however there is a sorrow. A knowing that you have 'lost' something, the supposed idealistic view of a normal child. I don't want to label my boys, I don't want to make them & their being all about their diagnosis but the reality is that the world within this bubble, their world is different & is outside the norm. It means daily routines & rituals to keep the calm, it means remembering things like spare batteries so that the new toothbrushes are always ready to go so that something as simple as brushing teeth doesn't turn into an episode of Road Runner & Coyote meets wailing banshee which then becomes Mama needs vodka at 8am. Well actually maybe not. I might spill the vodka :P
For the first time in our SN Playgroup I had to introduce myself differently & it was upsetting. More than I thought it would be. I had always been " Hi I'm Ally & I have Boof who is 6yrs ( now 7yrs ) with an ASD diagnosis & G who is 3yrs ( now 4yrs ) who is NT but feral " LOL. Now both have the diagnosis it feels like I have been ripped off yet that is too funny when really what has changed ? What have I had taken from me except the view of society that my boys are not within normal.
The fear is one of the unknown, I mean as parents we all face the fears of parenting itself but then throw in a few added extras like the greater chances of bullying, abuse, drug & alcohol use/ abuse & suicide which makes you start to wonder ... Errrrr whose idea was this anyways ?!?!?!?
It's about getting my head around it all that maybe this isn't what I planned for but this is it.
This here, is it.
Anger is not where I want to be, it isn't healthy & I refuse to allow it & any bitterness to swallow me up as I said in a previous post it isn't who I want to be. I want to move forward, I want to enjoy every single moment with the gorgeous beings I helped grow & that I now help nuture. Sure I am gonna mess up & sure I am going to continue to do so, but I also know that they themselves help me grow & learn all the while ... Let's just hope the therapy bills as teens aren't too much more due to it ;)
