So today.
Today was a bit hrmmmm what's the word. Actually a word won't describe it, let's go with frustrating, upsetting & anger inducing.
I will back track a bit first.
As I talked about last post we have gone a little backwards of late with my eldest, he is harbouring a lot of anger & sometimes I am truly at a loss as to how to help him or just what to do in general. I have been well & truly struggling of late, I seem to be down & can't get myself back up.
The thing is I have an amazing support group, a wonderful amazing group of parents I get to connect with in person at our specialised Playgroup every Monday ( we do catch up at other times but this is our day of sanity as we say ). Through this group I have met another mum who seems to be living a parallel life. Well either that or she just wants to be me ... I'm older so she MUST be stalking/ following me ;)
Her eldest is like mine in many ways but of course they are both different in many ways too, but watching this little guy often leaves me with the feeling of watching a video of my own boy & sometimes it hits me.
Often we are so caught up in that world, in what we are living that we are just so tired, angry & frustrated we lose sight of how our child sometimes looks & I know for me that is how I am atm. I forget how angry HE is, I forget how frustrated HE is & how overwhelmed & tired HE is. How he gets that look on his face when he loses it that shows an out of control rage that even scares him & I see my little baby boy so lost & confused in this big world. I forget that this little guy who can articulate, use a vocabulary a lot of adults struggle with actually is only 6yrs old. I forget that he really is still only a baby in this world.
I see a mirror when I look at this little guy of my boy & it hits home how it's not just about me, it isn't just about how I am feeling or how it's affecting our little family but how it's affecting him. It's a reality check.
So what is this all about ? Is it just me reflecting & giving myself a kick up the arse to say get up again Ally, it's time to stop ?
A little.
But it's also because today a number of us hit a local MacDonalds to be able to chat while the kids had a play after Group because it is nice to be around those who 'get it' to chat & laugh.
Thing is this little guy had a meltdown & so that was how I was reminded of my role but it also reminded me of how closed minded many can be. How their little worlds are so often a wonderful bubble where nothing ever goes wrong, where kids are always perfect & where they seem to have control over every situation. Another mother was so willing to sit in judgement, to yell & rant saying how disgusted they were etc.
I have to admit I used to like my bubble.
Aaaaah if only we could re-make the bubble huh !
Monday, 31 October 2011
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
Our Journey
I suppose it's about time I get to this post, not entirely sure how I should write about it as I doubt I can do it all justice but here goes nothin' !
My eldest boy who I can't help but stick with his nickname of Boof or Mr McBoof is an amazing kid. He is bright, overwhelming bright, funny, loud & so much more but there is another side of him. An anxious, overwhelmed, sad, angry & unsure little guy that struggles with a world that can be all too overwhelming in his space.
My son has Aspergers or High Functioning Autism.
To so many they see a bouncy, flappy, nonstop talker, in your face, apparently not paying attention half the time kid who is over emotional & can't play sports or ride a bike. To me, well some days the words aren't nice I admit that because 'it' is frustrating & hard work but that is separate to him, to me that kid is amazingly brilliant with an astounding ability to be who he is with awesome flair & not give a rats arse about the rest of the world. Yep I like him just the way he is thanks :)
In September, 2010 I got confirmation of his diagnosis, a few sheets of paper that while I was expecting it & in some ways hoping for brought me to my knees. It's funny you sorta want a confirmation that it's not you, you aren't the worlds worst parent but to have someone confirm & see in your child, your beautiful brilliant child. Your own flesh & blood, your DNA is 'different'. Well that is a whole new way of feeling like the worlds worst parent. It shifts then to the wonderful ever present parent guilt, yanno that great thing that always manages to creep up with all the 'what ifs' .... What if I didn't do this or that while pregnant, what if I had of had a different birth, what if I didn't yell & scream that day. You read all the research & your brain feels ready to implode about all the other things you should've or should not have done. The mind is a wonderful thing when it brings in all that imaginary stuff & creates doubts about whether you have just fucked up your child.
Boof started school this year after I held him back when the year prior he flat out refused to even walk through the school gates for Orientation & even the mention of the word school would result in a full scale meltdown. That was also the year I finally accepted that I really did need help with him & that whatever was going on was not something I could expect him to 'grow out of'. We have been priviledged to become part of an amazing community of Special Needs parents in our area here in Sydney. Without them I think I would have lost all grasp on reality. They helped me get a hold on what I needed to do, where to go & how to start the process. They were my God send & are now my lifeline.
Boof went mainstream, I chose this route because I knew with help & lots of patience all would be OK. We were supposed to have in class help via the Dept of Education but I won't go into that because I don't want to rant over it all as it's wasteful energy on people who are often just number crunchers or pencil pushers who have no idea that a number or a file is actually a child, a precious child who deserves the right to have an education as good as any other child.
I had a great meeting with the Head of Kinder, Mrs C she was truly amazing. We spent an hour chatting over his needs & what we could do to make his life easier, she too was also a Kinder teacher & I secretly hoped he would have her as her understanding was fantastic. He did Orientation with a lovely teacher but I knew while he liked her the match wouldn't be right. I held my breath for the time we were given his teachers name & breathed a great sigh of relief as Mrs C was chosen.
We had a somewhat rocky start there were problems in the playground which I expected but was managed. Things were never going to be perfect in that area, we knew socialising was not a strong point but all I care is that he is happy even if by himself. His anger & anxiety stepped up but nothing I wasn't used to when things changed or life was stressful for him. He would bottle everything up at school & then explode at me on the way home or at home. Mrs C started working out times when he was anxious & we used his fidget toys more & chew pendant. She also made a few more changes & things settled a little more, things were bearable. He was thriving & learning to read, this along with writing is really hard work for him but his refusal to give up & to push on has seen him work out ways to read in his own little way. Writing is a little harder but like socialisation knew this was going to be another area where problems would be encountered, he doesn't like to practice & will avoid at all costs but I hope that we will make progress. Things settled enough I felt I could breathe, he got so many green cards he got a bronze award & again more to get a gold award. I was brimming with pride.
My brilliant bright boy was showing everyone how truly amazing he was.
His world however came crashing down, Mrs C was going to be leaving for another role & not only that but he would be with a teacher he did not like one little bit. Great. Anger levels hit a wonderful level & every day I was abused & more often than not his little brother was the brunt of his anger & physical release with him hitting & headbutting. G is not one to back down now & this has often seen full scale war in my house with biting, kicking, punching & even stomping. I often feel like sitting in a corner & rocking.
OT has helped to some degree as has his Psychologists appts however sometimes it's the smallest thing that can set him off. So that third term was definitely a big emotional rollercoaster ride & one that has continued after these latest holidays & now into our fourth & final term. I am now being abused at 2am that he can't wait to move out of home & Monday nites rant was yelling at me that he would get married & move out sooner. At least last week in all his anger & rage he managed to tell me that the reason he treats me like this is because I love him & I am the only one he can be like this with. Such a huge step to have him speak about his emotions & feelings but so heartbreaking at the same time.
A 6yr old shouldn't feel this way or be so angry with the world. It causes me being the outsider to be overwhelmed & have feelings of helplessness, so to imagine how he feels, how his little world feels. I can't imagine.
A shocking few weeks after a number of stressful months & I've had to realise today while on the phone to our OT that this is a journey, there are no sure fire fixes & nothing that seems to work today will work tomorrow & no matter how many steps forward we make that we can end up a few steps back or right back at the start.
So what really led me to realise it's a journey & how we sometimes have to start back at the beginning ?
For a few months when things were good & his confidence grew he asked to walk to school alone ( yeah buckleys hahahah !! ) so I decided to give him some length on the rope & would a lot of days kiss him goodbye at the gate & let him walk through to class on his own. He thought he was awesome, the look on his face, so so proud of himself. I was so happy for him & thought ' wowow kiddo look at you go ! '. This week however we had a meltdown. Second week back & it was Monday, we were a little late but being the day the school stands in the quadrangle & sings the national anthem & school song before the weeks start he could go join his class without an issue. I said ' are you OK to walk down ? ' & got a reply of yes. So I sent him through saying ' Go straight down & you will see your teacher '. He has done this before, late is what Boof does best. I never even thought, never even pondered something going wrong. We assume because of him not being in a good place at the moment & then with all the noise of the national anthem he just lost it. Meltdown mode. One mum found him & helped him find his way to class. I on the other hand having left him was on the way to Playgroup none the wiser. That afternoon mummy guilt kicked in big time & I had a good cry with him over it all.
Today Tuesday was a new day & I realised that we were back to me walking him down to the class & staying while the bell rang. I realised how we had taken such great leaps forward to take ourselves back to the start. So yep today was coming to temrs with this being a journey, that this was just another obstacle in our road & that we will pick ourselves up & keep going.
My eldest boy who I can't help but stick with his nickname of Boof or Mr McBoof is an amazing kid. He is bright, overwhelming bright, funny, loud & so much more but there is another side of him. An anxious, overwhelmed, sad, angry & unsure little guy that struggles with a world that can be all too overwhelming in his space.
My son has Aspergers or High Functioning Autism.
To so many they see a bouncy, flappy, nonstop talker, in your face, apparently not paying attention half the time kid who is over emotional & can't play sports or ride a bike. To me, well some days the words aren't nice I admit that because 'it' is frustrating & hard work but that is separate to him, to me that kid is amazingly brilliant with an astounding ability to be who he is with awesome flair & not give a rats arse about the rest of the world. Yep I like him just the way he is thanks :)
In September, 2010 I got confirmation of his diagnosis, a few sheets of paper that while I was expecting it & in some ways hoping for brought me to my knees. It's funny you sorta want a confirmation that it's not you, you aren't the worlds worst parent but to have someone confirm & see in your child, your beautiful brilliant child. Your own flesh & blood, your DNA is 'different'. Well that is a whole new way of feeling like the worlds worst parent. It shifts then to the wonderful ever present parent guilt, yanno that great thing that always manages to creep up with all the 'what ifs' .... What if I didn't do this or that while pregnant, what if I had of had a different birth, what if I didn't yell & scream that day. You read all the research & your brain feels ready to implode about all the other things you should've or should not have done. The mind is a wonderful thing when it brings in all that imaginary stuff & creates doubts about whether you have just fucked up your child.
Boof started school this year after I held him back when the year prior he flat out refused to even walk through the school gates for Orientation & even the mention of the word school would result in a full scale meltdown. That was also the year I finally accepted that I really did need help with him & that whatever was going on was not something I could expect him to 'grow out of'. We have been priviledged to become part of an amazing community of Special Needs parents in our area here in Sydney. Without them I think I would have lost all grasp on reality. They helped me get a hold on what I needed to do, where to go & how to start the process. They were my God send & are now my lifeline.
Boof went mainstream, I chose this route because I knew with help & lots of patience all would be OK. We were supposed to have in class help via the Dept of Education but I won't go into that because I don't want to rant over it all as it's wasteful energy on people who are often just number crunchers or pencil pushers who have no idea that a number or a file is actually a child, a precious child who deserves the right to have an education as good as any other child.
I had a great meeting with the Head of Kinder, Mrs C she was truly amazing. We spent an hour chatting over his needs & what we could do to make his life easier, she too was also a Kinder teacher & I secretly hoped he would have her as her understanding was fantastic. He did Orientation with a lovely teacher but I knew while he liked her the match wouldn't be right. I held my breath for the time we were given his teachers name & breathed a great sigh of relief as Mrs C was chosen.
We had a somewhat rocky start there were problems in the playground which I expected but was managed. Things were never going to be perfect in that area, we knew socialising was not a strong point but all I care is that he is happy even if by himself. His anger & anxiety stepped up but nothing I wasn't used to when things changed or life was stressful for him. He would bottle everything up at school & then explode at me on the way home or at home. Mrs C started working out times when he was anxious & we used his fidget toys more & chew pendant. She also made a few more changes & things settled a little more, things were bearable. He was thriving & learning to read, this along with writing is really hard work for him but his refusal to give up & to push on has seen him work out ways to read in his own little way. Writing is a little harder but like socialisation knew this was going to be another area where problems would be encountered, he doesn't like to practice & will avoid at all costs but I hope that we will make progress. Things settled enough I felt I could breathe, he got so many green cards he got a bronze award & again more to get a gold award. I was brimming with pride.
My brilliant bright boy was showing everyone how truly amazing he was.
His world however came crashing down, Mrs C was going to be leaving for another role & not only that but he would be with a teacher he did not like one little bit. Great. Anger levels hit a wonderful level & every day I was abused & more often than not his little brother was the brunt of his anger & physical release with him hitting & headbutting. G is not one to back down now & this has often seen full scale war in my house with biting, kicking, punching & even stomping. I often feel like sitting in a corner & rocking.
OT has helped to some degree as has his Psychologists appts however sometimes it's the smallest thing that can set him off. So that third term was definitely a big emotional rollercoaster ride & one that has continued after these latest holidays & now into our fourth & final term. I am now being abused at 2am that he can't wait to move out of home & Monday nites rant was yelling at me that he would get married & move out sooner. At least last week in all his anger & rage he managed to tell me that the reason he treats me like this is because I love him & I am the only one he can be like this with. Such a huge step to have him speak about his emotions & feelings but so heartbreaking at the same time.
A 6yr old shouldn't feel this way or be so angry with the world. It causes me being the outsider to be overwhelmed & have feelings of helplessness, so to imagine how he feels, how his little world feels. I can't imagine.
A shocking few weeks after a number of stressful months & I've had to realise today while on the phone to our OT that this is a journey, there are no sure fire fixes & nothing that seems to work today will work tomorrow & no matter how many steps forward we make that we can end up a few steps back or right back at the start.
So what really led me to realise it's a journey & how we sometimes have to start back at the beginning ?
For a few months when things were good & his confidence grew he asked to walk to school alone ( yeah buckleys hahahah !! ) so I decided to give him some length on the rope & would a lot of days kiss him goodbye at the gate & let him walk through to class on his own. He thought he was awesome, the look on his face, so so proud of himself. I was so happy for him & thought ' wowow kiddo look at you go ! '. This week however we had a meltdown. Second week back & it was Monday, we were a little late but being the day the school stands in the quadrangle & sings the national anthem & school song before the weeks start he could go join his class without an issue. I said ' are you OK to walk down ? ' & got a reply of yes. So I sent him through saying ' Go straight down & you will see your teacher '. He has done this before, late is what Boof does best. I never even thought, never even pondered something going wrong. We assume because of him not being in a good place at the moment & then with all the noise of the national anthem he just lost it. Meltdown mode. One mum found him & helped him find his way to class. I on the other hand having left him was on the way to Playgroup none the wiser. That afternoon mummy guilt kicked in big time & I had a good cry with him over it all.
Today Tuesday was a new day & I realised that we were back to me walking him down to the class & staying while the bell rang. I realised how we had taken such great leaps forward to take ourselves back to the start. So yep today was coming to temrs with this being a journey, that this was just another obstacle in our road & that we will pick ourselves up & keep going.
Monday, 10 October 2011
Friends, Friendship & Me.
I've had this post sitting for awhile now but due to being unable to post on various days I have tried I've been wondering whether I am meant to do so hahahah so I figure one last try & if not then maybe I'll take the hint ;)
I became a single mum approx 2yrs ago & it was one moment in time I would class as one of the hardest. I knew it was coming but for it to happen, nothing prepared me. It's been during these moments I have learnt who my friends are but it's funny whether it be back when I was 20yrs & losing my dad or 2yrs ago at 31yrs when my world crumbled I have reacted the same. I start shutting people out.
These last few years I have had a number of amazing women offer support some from nearby but many from interstate who have taken time to help little old me & I hope they know how much they truly mean to me & how much I appreciate all their love & support. Life would have been almost unbearable without their love & support since going this alone & often along with my boys they are what has kept me going. I have had many come through my life over many years & from so many walks of life. I will always always be grateful for them whether they be those still around me or those who have left because no matter what they have been a part of my life & while I've made mistakes they have often taught me something I needed to learn & led me to where I am now.
I have since been trying to surround myself with positivity because I allowed myself to become angry & bitter which I really didn't want to happen. My life wasn't over the moment I became a single mum, I just started a new part of it. I found myself being such a nasty person I wondered if I would ever truly know myself if I all I was ever to be was this 'new' person. So slowly I have been letting more go & getting my power back to allow myself to move forward as I don't want it to eat away at me.
There is a saying that says ' Sometimes we build walls not to keep people out but to see who breaks them down '.
I guess in part that is true & for me true to form.
Over the last 6- 12mths especially I have again slowly started backing away from many, not because I don't care or don't want to be part of their lives but because I simply can't cope & I don't know any different, my reaction is to hide away. To allow them to be part of another 'side' of me is hard as I don't tend to show people for fear they won't really like who I am. I am scared to show people I'm not coping or that I need help. I have always had a fear of rejection & that flows through into my friendships. I guess it's my way of keeping myself safe & not allow myself to be hurt. I have often put myself out there to either be rejected in various ways or to be let down & while many say I am strong & awesome & whatever else I truly am not. I get hurt & stung very easily & I am often very reluctant to truly trust anyone with a side of me I don't show to many.
So here I am moving on & hopefully trying not to completely shut everyone out but it is really really hard not to do so. I have been trying to cope as a single mum but it's often really REALLY hard & some days, weeks are overwhelming but mostly I am happy & I know that things will always be hard but will also get easier. But to also watch many walk away which in my mind has me say " see knew they didn't care " has hurt a bit. Watching those who I classed as very good friends walk away so easily has made me rethink a lot of what is going on but I guess that it happens & that is life. I do believe things happen for a reason, it may make me angry & I may hate a lot of those happenings but it means I am where I am because of them & in time I realise that was the way it had to be.
I do know whatever lies ahead is meant to be what it is & I look forward to knowing that most of it is going to be truly brilliant especially as I have my boys by my side. I also hope that I have many of those who have stood by my side in recent years will still be along for that ride & gladly hanging on for it too.
I became a single mum approx 2yrs ago & it was one moment in time I would class as one of the hardest. I knew it was coming but for it to happen, nothing prepared me. It's been during these moments I have learnt who my friends are but it's funny whether it be back when I was 20yrs & losing my dad or 2yrs ago at 31yrs when my world crumbled I have reacted the same. I start shutting people out.
These last few years I have had a number of amazing women offer support some from nearby but many from interstate who have taken time to help little old me & I hope they know how much they truly mean to me & how much I appreciate all their love & support. Life would have been almost unbearable without their love & support since going this alone & often along with my boys they are what has kept me going. I have had many come through my life over many years & from so many walks of life. I will always always be grateful for them whether they be those still around me or those who have left because no matter what they have been a part of my life & while I've made mistakes they have often taught me something I needed to learn & led me to where I am now.
I have since been trying to surround myself with positivity because I allowed myself to become angry & bitter which I really didn't want to happen. My life wasn't over the moment I became a single mum, I just started a new part of it. I found myself being such a nasty person I wondered if I would ever truly know myself if I all I was ever to be was this 'new' person. So slowly I have been letting more go & getting my power back to allow myself to move forward as I don't want it to eat away at me.
There is a saying that says ' Sometimes we build walls not to keep people out but to see who breaks them down '.
I guess in part that is true & for me true to form.
Over the last 6- 12mths especially I have again slowly started backing away from many, not because I don't care or don't want to be part of their lives but because I simply can't cope & I don't know any different, my reaction is to hide away. To allow them to be part of another 'side' of me is hard as I don't tend to show people for fear they won't really like who I am. I am scared to show people I'm not coping or that I need help. I have always had a fear of rejection & that flows through into my friendships. I guess it's my way of keeping myself safe & not allow myself to be hurt. I have often put myself out there to either be rejected in various ways or to be let down & while many say I am strong & awesome & whatever else I truly am not. I get hurt & stung very easily & I am often very reluctant to truly trust anyone with a side of me I don't show to many.
So here I am moving on & hopefully trying not to completely shut everyone out but it is really really hard not to do so. I have been trying to cope as a single mum but it's often really REALLY hard & some days, weeks are overwhelming but mostly I am happy & I know that things will always be hard but will also get easier. But to also watch many walk away which in my mind has me say " see knew they didn't care " has hurt a bit. Watching those who I classed as very good friends walk away so easily has made me rethink a lot of what is going on but I guess that it happens & that is life. I do believe things happen for a reason, it may make me angry & I may hate a lot of those happenings but it means I am where I am because of them & in time I realise that was the way it had to be.
I do know whatever lies ahead is meant to be what it is & I look forward to knowing that most of it is going to be truly brilliant especially as I have my boys by my side. I also hope that I have many of those who have stood by my side in recent years will still be along for that ride & gladly hanging on for it too.
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