I had the idea that this would be a letter to my youngest for his birthday which is in early August but got to thinking I really should be saying something for the both of them.
So here goes ...
My infuriatingly frustrating boys, my wonderfully amazing little people I actually helped create, grow then bring into this world ... Corny & all but my heart swells over the amazingness of just your being.
My eldest, my Mr McBoof,
How my world changed on so many levels the moment you finally decided to grace us with your presence. And boy oh boy did you ever take your time doing so ! 7 days overdue & after 3 days of labour, lots of stress & quite a lot of vomitting on my part. You showed me how even after such a scary moment, even when things seem so bleak that there is always a light even if small. Our first few weeks & maybe even months were a blur of my trying to grasp the whole motherhood thing & you also showing why you really didn't want to be outside of the womb. You cried. A lot. I now see this as your plea to the outside world that was far too overwhelming to slow down a little for you, that it was all too much.
You grew & while mostly a little behind motor wise you kept up with all milestones & when you started to talk, well I figured you fit into my family pretty darn well ;)
You were a bundle of energy who went from high & happy to a crying emotional wreck in light speed. You verbalised so well no one could grasp that you were such an unhappy little guy a lot of the time because you were always so eager to have someone listen to you. It started young, you spoke to people, at them. You didn't want to listen to them or hear their stories but just wanted to talk incessantly, it almost felt like being steam rolled when you got on a subject.
You became particular about things being done specific ways & the world ended if it wasn't just. right. You were obsessed with The Wiggles & what I thought was normal as hey most kids love them I now look at photos & videos & can see that they obviously gave you an input you needed at that time. You didn't laugh & dance along with them like all the other kids you either sat on your little sofa & rocked or your absolute fave thing was to get a little basket I had sit in that & make it rock while you hummed to yourself. It was so damned cute.
Your dress sense was & has always been killer although I do believe you have learned from your peers a little & don't go so wild anymore, I sorta miss it. Although at the time, those days trying to peel off your Tigger dressing gown on a 42 degree day, yeah not so fun. You were mostly found wearing that dressing gown, you also loved beanies & wore them funnily enough exactly how your Gran'da used to. This used to make me laugh but also hit my heart how you would never meet him, yet were so alike. Wildly striped shirts with checked shorts & mis-matched socks were also another common theme/ trend. You have always walked your own line. I hope that never changes.
When the meltdowns & behaviours became too much for me to handle, not because I didn't try, not because there is anything 'wrong' with you. I had started wondering whether I was the one who had something wrong with me. You were such an amazing spirit yet so damned well frustrating that I kept thinking " what am I doing wrong here ?!?!?!?! ".
A few years later & that question was answered with Aspergers/ High Functioning Autism.
Oh my gorgeous boy how you showed the stressed you deal with but oh how you showed how intelligent & amazing you are. That brain of yours will do wonderous things, I just hope with all my heart your self doubts, your depressive moods don't hold you back from seeing your true potential because outside of all of that when you really believe in yourself you soar.
Your daily struggles hit my heart too, I so wish I could take it all away. I so wish for you to be without that stress, that anxiety & constant self doubt, as a mum you never want to see your child hurt or hurting & some days I myself, feel so overwhelmed for you I have no idea what I can do to make it all go away. It's a learning process for us both & I hope more than anything that as some stage later in life we can look back on all of this & say " PHEW we got through that !!! ". I know that you will hate me for a lot of your teen years, that's OK. Well, sorta. It will hurt but teens just never like their parents ;)
Most of all that I wish, wish the most that you never change.
Never change being you, yes you drive me batty, yes I often want to bang my head against a wall & yes sometimes I wish, plead & whimper at your feet that you would be nicer to your little brother but never change because you will move mountains.
Love Mum xxx
Part 2 to come .....
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