Our Journey

I suppose it's about time I get to this post, not entirely sure how I should write about it as I doubt I can do it all justice but here goes nothin' !

My eldest boy who I can't help but stick with his nickname of Boof or Mr McBoof is an amazing kid. He is bright, overwhelming bright, funny, loud & so much more but there is another side of him. An anxious, overwhelmed, sad, angry & unsure little guy that struggles with a world that can be all too overwhelming in his space.

My son has Aspergers or High Functioning Autism.

To so many they see a bouncy, flappy, nonstop talker, in your face, apparently not paying attention half the time kid who is over emotional & can't play sports or ride a bike. To me, well some days the words aren't nice I admit that because 'it' is frustrating & hard work but that is separate to him, to me that kid is amazingly brilliant with an astounding ability to be who he is with awesome flair & not give a rats arse about the rest of the world. Yep I like him just the way he is thanks :)

In September, 2010 I got confirmation of his diagnosis, a few sheets of paper that while I was expecting it & in some ways hoping for brought me to my knees. It's funny you sorta want a confirmation that it's not you, you aren't the worlds worst parent but to have someone confirm & see in your child, your beautiful brilliant child. Your own flesh & blood, your DNA is 'different'. Well that is a whole new way of feeling like the worlds worst parent. It shifts then to the wonderful ever present parent guilt, yanno that great thing that always manages to creep up with all the 'what ifs' .... What if I didn't do this or that while pregnant, what if I had of had a different birth, what if I didn't yell & scream that day. You read all the research & your brain feels ready to implode about all the other things you should've or should not have done. The mind is a wonderful thing when it brings in all that imaginary stuff & creates doubts about whether you have just fucked up your child.

Boof started school this year after I held him back when the year prior he flat out refused to even walk through the school gates for Orientation & even the mention of the word school would result in a full scale meltdown. That was also the year I finally accepted that I really did need help with him & that whatever was going on was not something I could expect him to 'grow out of'. We have been priviledged to become part of an amazing community of Special Needs parents in our area here in Sydney. Without them I think I would have lost all grasp on reality. They helped me get a hold on what I needed to do, where to go & how to start the process. They were my God send & are now my lifeline.

Boof went mainstream, I chose this route because I knew with help & lots of patience all would be OK. We were supposed to have in class help via the Dept of Education but I won't go into that because I don't want to rant over it all as it's wasteful energy on people who are often just number crunchers or pencil pushers who have no idea that a number or a file is actually a child, a precious child who deserves the right to have an education as good as any other child.

I had a great meeting with the Head of Kinder, Mrs C she was truly amazing. We spent an hour chatting over his needs & what we could do to make his life easier, she too was also a Kinder teacher & I secretly hoped he would have her as her understanding was fantastic. He did Orientation with a lovely teacher but I knew while he liked her the match wouldn't be right. I held my breath for the time we were given his teachers name & breathed a great sigh of relief as Mrs C was chosen.

We had a somewhat rocky start there were problems in the playground which I expected but was managed. Things were never going to be perfect in that area, we knew socialising was not a strong point but all I care is that he is happy even if by himself. His anger & anxiety stepped up but nothing I wasn't used to when things changed or life was stressful for him. He would bottle everything up at school & then explode at me on the way home or at home. Mrs C started working out times when he was anxious & we used his fidget toys more & chew pendant. She also made a few more changes & things settled a little more, things were bearable. He was thriving & learning to read, this along with writing is really hard work for him but his refusal to give up & to push on has seen him work out ways to read in his own little way. Writing is a little harder but like socialisation knew this was going to be another area where problems would be encountered, he doesn't like to practice & will avoid at all costs but I hope that we will make progress. Things settled enough I felt I could breathe, he got so many green cards he got a bronze award & again more to get a gold award. I was brimming with pride.

My brilliant bright boy was showing everyone how truly amazing he was.

His world however came crashing down, Mrs C was going to be leaving for another role & not only that but he would be with a teacher he did not like one little bit. Great. Anger levels hit a wonderful level & every day I was abused & more often than not his little brother was the brunt of his anger & physical release with him hitting & headbutting. G is not one to back down now & this has often seen full scale war in my house with biting, kicking, punching & even stomping. I often feel like sitting in a corner & rocking.

OT has helped to some degree as has his Psychologists appts however sometimes it's the smallest thing that can set him off. So that third term was definitely a big emotional rollercoaster ride & one that has continued after these latest holidays & now into our fourth & final term. I am now being abused at 2am that he can't wait to move out of home & Monday nites rant was yelling at me that he would get married & move out sooner. At least last week in all his anger & rage he managed to tell me that the reason he treats me like this is because I love him & I am the only one he can be like this with. Such a huge step to have him speak about his emotions & feelings but so heartbreaking at the same time.

A 6yr old shouldn't feel this way or be so angry with the world. It causes me being the outsider to be overwhelmed & have feelings of helplessness, so to imagine how he feels, how his little world feels. I can't imagine.

A shocking few weeks after a number of stressful months & I've had to realise today while on the phone to our OT that this is a journey, there are no sure fire fixes & nothing that seems to work today will work tomorrow & no matter how many steps forward we make that we can end up a few steps back or right back at the start.

So what really led me to realise it's a journey & how we sometimes have to start back at the beginning ?

For a few months when things were good & his confidence grew he asked to walk to school alone ( yeah buckleys hahahah !! ) so I decided to give him some length on the rope & would a lot of days kiss him goodbye at the gate & let him walk through to class on his own. He thought he was awesome, the look on his face, so so proud of himself. I was so happy for him & thought ' wowow kiddo look at you go ! '. This week however we had a meltdown. Second week back & it was Monday, we were a little late but being the day the school stands in the quadrangle & sings the national anthem & school song before the weeks start he could go join his class without an issue. I said ' are you OK to walk down ? ' & got a reply of yes. So I sent him through saying ' Go straight down & you will see your teacher '. He has done this before, late is what Boof does best. I never even thought, never even pondered something going wrong. We assume because of him not being in a good place at the moment & then with all the noise of the national anthem he just lost it. Meltdown mode. One mum found him & helped him find his way to class. I on the other hand having left him was on the way to Playgroup none the wiser. That afternoon mummy guilt kicked in big time & I had a good cry with him over it all.

Today Tuesday was a new day & I realised that we were back to me walking him down to the class & staying while the bell rang. I realised how we had taken such great leaps forward to take ourselves back to the start. So yep today was coming to temrs with this being a journey, that this was just another obstacle in our road & that we will pick ourselves up & keep going.