Friends, Friendship & Me.

I've had this post sitting for awhile now but due to being unable to post on various days I have tried I've been wondering whether I am meant to do so hahahah so I figure one last try & if not then maybe I'll take the hint  ;)

I became a single mum approx 2yrs ago & it was one moment in time I would class as one of the hardest. I knew it was coming but for it to happen, nothing prepared me. It's been during these moments I have learnt who my friends are but it's funny whether it be back when I was 20yrs & losing my dad or 2yrs ago at 31yrs when my world crumbled I have reacted the same. I start shutting people out.
 
These last few years I have had a number of amazing women offer support some from nearby but many from interstate who have taken time to help little old me & I hope they know how much they truly mean to me & how much I appreciate all their love & support. Life would have been almost unbearable without their love & support since going this alone & often along with my boys they are what has kept me going. I have had many come through my life over many years & from so many walks of life. I will always always be grateful for them whether they be those still around me or those who have left because no matter what they have been a part of my life & while I've made mistakes they have often taught me something I needed to learn & led me to where I am now.

I have since been trying to surround myself with positivity because I allowed myself to become angry & bitter which I really didn't want to happen. My life wasn't over the moment I became a single mum, I just started a new part of it. I found myself being such a nasty person I wondered if I would ever truly know myself if I all I was ever to be was this 'new' person. So slowly I have been letting more go & getting my power back to allow myself to move forward as I don't want it to eat away at me.

There is a saying that says ' Sometimes we build walls not to keep people out but to see who breaks them down '.

I guess in part that is true & for me true to form.

Over the last 6- 12mths especially I have again slowly started backing away from many, not because I don't care or don't want to be part of their lives but because I simply can't cope & I don't know any different, my reaction is to hide away. To allow them to be part of another 'side' of me is hard as I don't tend to show people for fear they won't really like who I am. I am scared to show people I'm not coping or that I need help. I have always had a fear of rejection & that flows through into my friendships. I guess it's my way of keeping myself safe & not allow myself to be hurt. I have often put myself out there to either be rejected in various ways or to be let down & while many say I am strong & awesome & whatever else I truly am not. I get hurt & stung very easily & I am often very reluctant to truly trust anyone with a side of me I don't show to many.

So here I am moving on & hopefully trying not to completely shut everyone out but it is really really hard not to do so. I have been trying to cope as a single mum but it's often really REALLY hard & some days, weeks are overwhelming but mostly I am happy & I know that things will always be hard but will also get easier. But to also watch many walk away which in my mind has me say " see knew they didn't care " has hurt a bit. Watching those who I classed as very good friends walk away so easily has made me rethink a lot of what is going on but I guess that it happens & that is life. I do believe things happen for a reason, it may make me angry & I may hate a lot of those happenings but it means I am where I am because of them & in time I realise that was the way it had to be.

I do know whatever lies ahead is meant to be what it is & I look forward to knowing that most of it is going to be truly brilliant especially as I have my boys by my side. I also hope that I have many of those who have stood by my side in recent years will still be along for that ride & gladly hanging on for it too.